7DOF Humour Files
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armour mislines

Nalal's work ethic
==================

- Real programmers don't write specs.  Users should consider
  themselves lucky to get any programs at all and take what they get.

- Real programmers don't comment their code. If it was hard to
  write, it should be hard to read.

- Real programmers don't read manuals.  Reliance on a reference is a
  hallmark of the novice and the coward.

- Real programmers don't write in BASIC. Actually, no program-
  mers write in BASIC, after the age of 12.

- Real programmers don't document. Documentation is for simps
  who can't read the listings or the object deck.

- Real programmers know better than the users what they need.

- Real programmers think structured programming is a communist
  plot.

- Real programmers disdain structured programming.  Structured programming
  is for compulsive, prematurely toilet-trained neurotics who wear neckties
  and carefully line up sharpened pencils on an otherwise uncluttered desk.

   *  Real Programmers do List Processing in FORTRAN.

   *  Real Programmers do String Manipulation in FORTRAN.

   *  Real Programmers do Accounting (if they do it at all) in FORTRAN.

   *  Real Programmers do Artificial Intelligence programs in FORTRAN.

   *  Real Programmers aren't afraid to use GOTO's.

   *  Real Programmers can write five-page-long DO loops without
      getting confused.

   *  Real Programmers like Arithmetic IF statements -- they make the
      code more interesting.

   *  Real Programmers don't need comments -- the code is obvious.

   *  Since FORTRAN doesn't have a structured IF, REPEAT ... UNTIL, or
      CASE statement, Real Programmers don't have to worry about not
      using them. Besides, they can be simulated when necessary using
      assigned GOTO's.

        Unix is a lot more complicated of course -- the typical Unix hacker
never can remember what the PRINT command is called this week -- but when it
gets right down to it, Unix is a glorified video game.  People don't do Serious
Work on Unix systems: they send jokes around the world on UUCP-net and write
adventure games and research papers.

Most systems supply several text editors to select from, and the Real
Programmer must be careful to pick one that reflects his personal style.

   *  At a party, the Real Programmers are the ones in the corner talking
      about operating system security and how to get around it.

        The typical Real Programmer lives in front of a computer terminal.
Surrounding this terminal are listings of all programs the Real Programmer
has ever worked on, piled in roughly chronological order on every flat
surface in the office.

   *  No Real Programmer works 9 to 5 (unless it's the ones at night).

If you ignore the fact that it's "structured", even 'C' programming can be
appreciated by the Real Programmer: after all, there's no type checking,
variable names are seven (ten? eight?) characters long, and the added
bonus of the Pointer data type is thrown in -- like having the best parts
of FORTRAN and assembly language in one place.
(Not to mention some of the more creative uses for #define.)

                        How to debug a "C" program.
                        ---------------------------

Insert/remove blank lines at random spots, re-compile, and excecute.

As long as there are ill-defined goals, bizarre bugs, and unrealistic
schedules, there will be Real Programmers willing to jump in
and Solve The Problem, saving the documentation for later.